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he sleeps with me here
in our fur-lined nest
among the hushing reeds

the whispering words of midnight
the song the river sings

heedless of nightly noises
we two, together, dream
©2008-2009 ~golovelyrose
:icongolovelyrose:

Author's Comments

I was thinking, What if we were weasels? And curled up together, chirred the night away.

I know, I'm a bit odd.

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:iconrobsonnet:
I like it. Lovely image, new way of describing old feelings, very poetic.

Only suggestion would be that maybe you don't need 'the' at the beginning of the lines in the second strophe. But that's just stylistic, do what feels right to you.

--
Ed
"If you're not confused, you're misinformed." - Tom Clancy
The Trouble with a Love Poem
:icongolovelyrose:
The difficulty is that then 'whispering' might be read as a verb rather than a participial adjective. About halfway through this one, also, my brain decided it needed to rhyme, which I was trying to fight but ended up giving it a wishy-washy meter anyway.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment and kind words. :)
:iconrobsonnet:
I think you're right; the the's need to stay.

Yeah, that happens. We try to do too many things, even when we're trying to stick to just the one. I seem to drift into iambic pentameter as soon as I start editing anything of mine.

--
Ed
"If you're not confused, you're misinformed." - Tom Clancy
The Trouble with a Love Poem
:icongolovelyrose:
It was odd. I just started writing in rhyme/with a rhythmic meter, even though I was trying not to. Sometimes I think poems have a mind of their own!

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July 8, 2008
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