What an honor, to be the first to comment on your literary offerings here!

You really needn't have worried about the quality of your poetry. You speak clearly and directly, using images that resonate wonderfully with the romantic in me. I like it that you aren't trying to make your creation "sound" like poetry, but just letting the poetry of the feeling speak for itself.

The only suggestions I would offer are these:

First, I'm not sure you need
So that you could not leave me behind.
It is implied by the rest of the poem, which is otherwise so laudibly terse that I hate to see you depart from the pattern.

Second, I think I would combine your "Coda" with this, so that no one risks reading one and missing the other.

--
Ed
"If you're not confused, you're misinformed." - Tom Clancy
The Trouble with a Love Poem

Thank you for the comment! Upon reading this poem now, I see what you mean -- and actually see another revision that I think I'd like to make. Perhaps I will post an updated/clarified version of this piece.

My poetry is more like prose-poetry or spoken word, maybe. Not exactly 'oetic', and I don't worry excessively about formatting and other devices, as I once did.

Thanks again for the C&C.

Erm...Not exactly "poetic"? Sorry, that emoticon appeared out of nowhere.

No need to post an updated version, just click on "edit deviation" in the upper left portion of the text window, click on "revise text," and make whatever changes you want. I'm forever changing mine, sometimes in response to suggestions but more often just because I see something I think I could have said better. Resubmission is for when the rewrite is so complete it's not really the same poem at all, in which case you may want to move the original to "scraps" and give the new one a new title.

I'm never sure what people mean by prose-poetry. I've done a fair amount of spoken word, and this definitely isn't that. (See my gallery for examples, including my currently featured deviation.) No, I think this fits quite comfortably in the honorable tradition of "free verse," along with most of the works of former US Poet Laureates Carl Sandburg and Walt Whitman.

--
Ed
"If you're not confused, you're misinformed." - Tom Clancy
The Trouble with a Love Poem

That's a glitch I think they need to fix. They've made it so easy to add emoticons that it's hard to type normally punctuated text without inserting them by accident. I've found I need to preview all my comments just for that reason.

If you click on "emoticons" in the bottom right corner of the comment box, you'll see a list, along with the codes that their program recognizes as referring to each.

--
Ed
"If you're not confused, you're misinformed." - Tom Clancy
The Trouble with a Love Poem